I Have Regressed

I have regressed a bit, but I am in reality.

It was a tough week previously. I need to strive totally for my independence, and I am satisfied with all the divorce, for now; later it will be a completely different story.

All the years were a struggle.

I am not happy with what I put up with, the way I reacted to him, or the way the children were ‘in the middle of our hatred. It should not have happened. I cannot blame anyone but myself for being so vulnerable to lies, deceit, confusion, rudeness, and unfaithfulness.

My fantasy only saved me when everything was crashing down

And my husband then was suffering from his sufferings, and he was not able to talk about it. There is a big difference between honesty and deceit. I do not hate him; I do not love him either. I would rather be by myself than subject myself to another man’s rules and regulations, his power and control, and his putting down my existence. I feel like I am twelve. What regression? It is not easy, but I know significant changes are going to be happening.

I do love it here in San Antonio,

I was tired of The Valley—too many memories. Not good at forgetting all my trauma’s right now. I know there are worse things that could have happened. I am such an outcast, not a people person. I have zero; I have to pick myself up.

How could I be so coy,

Oh God, I have let myself suffer so much, and I could not do anything about the outcome. I always wanted him to be more of a part of the children’s lives. I will never feel sorry for her or be happy for her. I have given her too much emotion, and she has my family.

I lost my husband because of her and his not being able to forgive himself for the awful years he was so cruel to me. He wanted to do it right; it, to me, is not fair, but I do hope he gets there even if it is with her.

He said it took six years to get over me holding a grudge because I told him I had a crush on my third pregnancy doctor, to whom I had confided all that I had succumbed to all the abuse. Those six years were the most important part of our children growing up. He was cruel and suave, neglected everything except his career, and I had no other choice than to put up with it, and this is what I got. It is going to get better, and at this point, it is all I can handle.

It is Sunday, I read the Bible, and I feel some relief.

This has been a hard week also. Important and crucial to the addicted person’s state of confusion and or being addicted to the addicted person. April 22, 1996, Wendy Yvette Greenwell.

March 12, 2018: My dad wants us, my twin and me, to see him today. He is 85 now, and he has some issues going on that he is worried about. We are an hour and a half away from where he lives. My sister fell and hurt herself on the rib cage, so I am driving. It has been some time since I have driven to the Arroyo.

Her husband is staying with Richard and my dog and their dog that is 18, blind, and cannot hear. It is so sad, but she is still trucking around.

I know I am going back to 1996; it is all meant to go together. So it does not matter what year I pick on. I am on a roll. This is the 50th day that I have published, and I feel I need to continue. No matter how uncomfortable I am at times.

The first six months were cleaning out the cobwebs, so to speak. So with all of this, I am going to keep this on here and publish. The picture is dark, but I do not care. It is fabulous. I have never taken a picture of my trees with a shadow before, so it is exceptional. Take care; God bless the world and everyone on it. Are you ready? I cannot believe myself sometimes. I have to publish it. February 9, 2019, Wendy.